Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
