Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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