I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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