Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
