so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
