operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
