Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
