I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
