I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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