I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
