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worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
We named our party play list daddy issues
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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