You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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