I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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