oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
