i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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