Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
