Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
