chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
