Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
