I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Randomize
