guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
