if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
found the other keg... it's in the tree
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
