My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
