She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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