drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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