I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
