everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
