I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
