Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
