Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
