I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
