i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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