My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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