My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
