im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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