mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
