she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
