He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
