I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
