Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
