I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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