Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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