I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
