I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
