You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
