I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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