just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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