Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
