Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
