At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you win again, gameday.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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